I was getting ready to leave for the same treatment facility I had just left two months ago. Unfortunately, my parents were exposed to what few people have seen, something I thought I had under control and that is my inner monster. My inner monster is full of rage, uncontrollable anger, frustration, hate, and unstable emotions.
This episode was very unnecessary but needless to say it did happen. I didn't pack my clothes my wife did. And because I was under a no contact order I didn't know what she would pack. I didn't have control, my wife, parents and command had control. I was trapped in a Psych ward with only three hours of fresh air and I was not permitted to talk with my wife. I was a caged and I didn't like this feeling.
As I angrily walked with my parents to the Fisher House I grabbed all three bags and grew frustrated at all that was packed. Even though it was more than what I really needed. I was all in my head that everything was rushed and unorganized, when really it wasn't. She had packed everything perfectly. It was all packed with the utmost care. But all I could see was red and I stayed angry and threw clothes around and slammed bags around. I scared my mother and father because I was unstable and this a side of me that didn't come out but has shown its ugly head four times within 2 weeks.
I was angry about a cell account. I acted like a child and screamed, banged on the furniture. I lost myself and had to leave the house. I knew I was wrong in every manner, but I was also so ashamed of my behaviour. This was just another step back to an already fragile relationship. I felt trapped and needed to break away. I left the house, I didn't say where I was going, or when I would get back, I just wanted to leave.
Apparently the same happened the night of my suicide attempt also with no resolution.
The final episode occurred as I tried to leave my room. My father was blocking my door, exit (I was trapped), I grabbed my dad and threw him onto the bed so I could get out. I knew my mom was scared because she hid on the side as I became this monster. Someone else was now afraid of me and I felt no longer able to be free or part of society. I am a monster and I deserved to be locked up. I hate feeling trapped and not in control.
While others leave I can not, I only had a few days of sleeping in my bed. Since I've redeployed I've slept in barracks beds, but only a two months in my own bed. I've pushed my wife away so many times when all she wants to do is reunite and be with me.
This episode was very unnecessary but needless to say it did happen. I didn't pack my clothes my wife did. And because I was under a no contact order I didn't know what she would pack. I didn't have control, my wife, parents and command had control. I was trapped in a Psych ward with only three hours of fresh air and I was not permitted to talk with my wife. I was a caged and I didn't like this feeling.
As I angrily walked with my parents to the Fisher House I grabbed all three bags and grew frustrated at all that was packed. Even though it was more than what I really needed. I was all in my head that everything was rushed and unorganized, when really it wasn't. She had packed everything perfectly. It was all packed with the utmost care. But all I could see was red and I stayed angry and threw clothes around and slammed bags around. I scared my mother and father because I was unstable and this a side of me that didn't come out but has shown its ugly head four times within 2 weeks.
I was angry about a cell account. I acted like a child and screamed, banged on the furniture. I lost myself and had to leave the house. I knew I was wrong in every manner, but I was also so ashamed of my behaviour. This was just another step back to an already fragile relationship. I felt trapped and needed to break away. I left the house, I didn't say where I was going, or when I would get back, I just wanted to leave.
Apparently the same happened the night of my suicide attempt also with no resolution.
The final episode occurred as I tried to leave my room. My father was blocking my door, exit (I was trapped), I grabbed my dad and threw him onto the bed so I could get out. I knew my mom was scared because she hid on the side as I became this monster. Someone else was now afraid of me and I felt no longer able to be free or part of society. I am a monster and I deserved to be locked up. I hate feeling trapped and not in control.
While others leave I can not, I only had a few days of sleeping in my bed. Since I've redeployed I've slept in barracks beds, but only a two months in my own bed. I've pushed my wife away so many times when all she wants to do is reunite and be with me.
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